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| Hi.
We BH have a few kids ranging in age from 9 down to a new born. We have become increreasingly awarw of our sons lying to us - it seems to us they have been doing this for a while and of course they don't lie all the time, but when they do lie, they do so with such ease that they don't even seem to be fully aware of the lies they are saying. It doesn't seem to be due to any particular issue, but rather as a lazy way to not do something possibly. We have tried to reinforce to them the idea that if they tell the truth, they will not get in trouble even if they did something worng, but we will obviously talk to them about what they have done, but if they lie, we will be extremely upset at the betrayel of trust. They have really hurt us, especially the oldest ones who we feel are clever and old enough to know what they are doing. Otherwise, in general they are all good children.
Please help.
many thanks. |
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Reply: |
| I am glad to hear that in general, you feel that your children are 'good children'-this means you have a 'good canvas' to work with; and that you have realized one flaw that needs help. many young children lie, often, as you say, just because they are lazy and want to see what they can get away with. The problem is that we don't want to play a cat and mouse game, always looking for lies. we would surely miss a few and then the children would feel that they can get away with even more lies and not get caught. please go down to your local jewish book shop and look for some good children books and tapes (like Dr. Middos), that speak about not lying. After reading/hearing the stories, start a discussion with your children. tell them that there may be times that they think they are getting away with untruths, but that G-d is always watching and part of being a mitzvah boy/girl is speaking with emes-truth.These books and tapes will reinforce your message. Try not to force your child to lie, meaning, if you know that he ate the cookies or broke the vase, don't ask him and wait to see if he will be truthful. You are just setting him up and looking for problems. Tell him matter of factly: you ate the cookies and didn't listen , now ..(deliver your natural consequence, like now you cannot have cookies for dessert for the rest of the week). You can also ask your child who is old enough to write , to write an apology letter when you catch him in a lie and in the letter he should wtite why it is wrong to lie. tell him that you want to trust him and now you cannot allow him to do things that older children do because he is not acting like a responsible child. when he earns your trust he will get more priveleges; and so it goes with all of your children. When you 'catch a truth', make a big deal about it and give plenty of positive reinforcement. I wish you great success and joy,
slovie |
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