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| Dear Slovie,
I am not a parent but still have an important question. I have lost both of my parents. They were amazing parents and role models. They taught me how to be a mentch and g-d willing soon a wonderful wife and parent. I was raised in a beautiful jewish home where the light and joy of Judaism was transmitted. I fondly recall the beautiful memories of each every Yom Tovim. This makes the situation even more painful. I am no longer excited about or find meaning in the yom tovim. Shortly, before my mother was suddenly taken to the heavenly courts she had told me and my sister that she was so excited to make Pesach in her new home. She was also so excited to share her first Pesach with her adorable Grandson. In a split second tragedy hit our family and my mother was taken to the heavenly courts. Pesach at my mother's new home obviously never happened and for the most part pesach in my heart did not happen. I am approaching the third Pesach without my mother and seventh without my father. I feel as if the meaning and excitement of the Yom Tovim has left me. I do not look forward to Yom Tov. I hate feeling like a third wheel at someone's house and not having my own parents to share Yom Tov with. Sometimes, I think that it is easier to be alone on Pesach. I have convinced myself that that is what I should do this year. I really do not want to go from family to family. It is a painful reminder that my parents are no longer here and that I have to be a third wheel at someone's table. So, my question is the following: How do you suggest that I find excitement and meaning in the Yom Tovim after having lost both of my parents. How do I transform anticipatory sadness with anticipatory joy for Yom Tov? How does one find meaning in Yom Tov when you have lost not only your parents but even cousins in a sudden car accident who always had Yom Tov with us. Most of my immediate family who I shared the Yom Tovim with are no longer here. The tragic part is that all of them were sudden except my father. So, I guess that it is a normal response to feel sad during the Yom Tovim. However, I thought that I would write to see if you have any suggestions for reframing my situation and g-d willing finding happiness and meaning in the Yom Tovim that Hashem has granted us. I am not sure if this question is appropriate for this website. I would understand if you are unable to answer the question. I guess that this question is coming from a daughters perspective after having lost the most amazing parents. May Hashem always bless you to be able to transmit the Torah teachings about parenting to others and help bring shalom and more love to each and every family.
Warmly,
Susie |
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Reply: |
| You have gone through a terrible tragedy, there is no doubt. We do not comprehend the ways of G-d, there are times that we are tested and challenged both as a nation and individuals. Even Moshe, our leader Moses, asked G-d, 'how is it that this nation is suffering so?'. And G-d replied to him, 'I also hear the cries of this people'; meaning that we should never, ever think that we are suffering alone. We should never feel that G-d does not have a Master Plan and that He does not also hear our cries. "Also"- meaning that there is purpose and reason for our distress and we never are left alone in our suffering. First, I want you to know that you are one of Hashem's special children and your cries are precious to G-d. There are times that I am sure that you must feel alone and I want you to know that you are not abandoned; as King David said in psalms, "My father and mother are not with me but Hashem shall gather me in and protect me". You are Hashem's most precious child.
As far as Pesach is concerned, I know how difficult and painful this must be for you. We have no choice when it comes to life's challenges but when it comes to how we react to the challenge-THIS is in our hands. If you choose to sit at a table by yourself and have an awful Yom Tov, then you are choosing sadness and despair. It is then so easy to fall into a depression or become a bitter and hardened person. What then? For sure, your dear parents want to see you filled with hope and a positive attitude in life. This is not to say it's easy but it certainly is in your hands. You are at a crossroads now-you can make "Simcha", "joy", your best friend. You can become a positive person and show yourself how strong you really are. You will then know that when you become a mother yourself you will be an incredible source of strength and fortitude to your children and at the same time, a source of joy and light to your family.
Please don't see yourself as a third wheel. so many people want to invite others to their shabbos and seder tables and actually seek out a way to find someone to invite and add to their table. You are actually enhancing peoples Yom Tov with your very presence. If you decide to add joy and inspiration think how many lives you can touch; how many homes will be better because you were there!
I wish you strength, I wish you comfort, I wish you courage, and I pray the joy accompanies you throughout your life.
slovie |
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