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How to raise a Mensch - Ask Slovie

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Dear Slovie, Please do not use my last name if you publish this. My background is a father who was very abusive.He was murdered when I was 12. It is a terrible thing to say but there was some peace in the house afterwards. I live with the guilt of telling him to die 2 weeks before his death. I got involved with drugs till eighteen. During this time I had a cousin who was like a sister die in Israel. I made Alliya to Israel after college. I then married an Israeli man. He talked me into returning to the States, my mother died who I was very close to the year I returned. I have 2 wonderful children from this marrage. After 19 years of a marrage which was a mistake we divorced. I had a job for 15 years that they want to fire me from and I am going through court over now. Meanwhile as this is going on with my job I was hit by a car while walking and I am now house ridden. My daughter's husband wants a divorce after 5 years and 1 child later. I know that HASHEM is not to give you tests that you cannot handle. I think I believe in HASHEM and after many years I lit Shabbos candles and have read Life is a Test. I know you should not ask why but I do and I question IF I shall pass the test and how. I see the only way out many times to end the pain is suicide. Maybe this is my test not to do it, but I am TIRED and WEARY. I know that suicide is a great transgretion, but how much loss can I endure. I know others suffer more and less then I do, but this is my pain and suffering. Can you help me?
Reply:
Dear Tired and Weary, You have ,no doubt, endured much pain and suffering.You are also blessed with"2 wonderful children".It is easy to dwell on the past and let ourselves get dragged down, but what does that accomplish?The hebrew word for joy is 'simcha'-which can also mean-"shemachah"-'to erase'...because the key to joy in life is to erase the pain of the past , not go backwards in life, not dwell on mistakes and suffering; but instead to move forward with our hopes, dreams, and sense of mission in life. You have a beautiful family-children and a grandchild who all need you!Family is such an incredilble blessing, and joy is waiting to be found.If you feel that you cannot endure, I beg you to seek help, there are so many people who would love to help you. Know that life is made up of both light & dark moments, and we know who we are ,not by how we live through the easy times, but rather, how we live and endure through the difficult moments, This is the real test of life!G-d blessed you with a soul, with a mission, with a family, and G-d forbid, to throw away your most precious moments.Of course this is only a site and we have not met and I have only limited space, if you are truly anguished you must seek someone who can spend time with you now, and help you. I can only offer you my words, but know that they are words from my heart and I pray that they may enter your heart.You are a most precious soul and you are needed in this world...I pray that you find the strength to move forward and wake up each day with an understanding of your great mission in life and all that you have been blessed with-joy must be found within and we begin by erasing yesterday's pain, making today count!There is so much good that you can bring into this world, I pray that you open your heart. Please be in touch.slovie
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