Several weeks ago, I published a letter from a Y.U. rabbinical student who was in search of a shidduch -- a young lady who would be willing to become a rebbetzin.

The response was overwhelming. Countless shidduchim were recommended to him and I pleased to say that he is on his way. That letter evoked much comment, and I am pleased to share with you some of the communications on the subject that reached my desk.

Letter # 1
Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

I want to respond to the letter that was printed "Where do I find a shidduch?" Unfortunately, the problem this young man has is a problem that many single`s face. I too have my share of frustrations when it comes to shidduchim. I come from a Hungarian, Chassidish background. I went to Bais Yaakov type schools, and Baruch HaShem, enjoyed every minute of school. I had some excellent teachers who influenced me and inspired me to live a life of Torah and Mitzvos, B`simcha. Don`t get me wrong... my family is, Baruch HaShem, very observant, however, I want more than that. I want a life rich with Torah and mitzvos, with simple gashmius. I want to follow their example, b`ezras HaShem, and emulate the Torah lives which they lead. When I became "of age", and I was asked what kind of boy I am looking for, I innocently answered the truth. I said I want someone who is a mensch, a ba`al midos tovos, etc., and someone who will learn as long as he can, and then go into chinuch. Word got back to my parents, and when they found out what I had said, they warned me not to ever tell anyone that I want someone who will go into chinuch, because the shadchanim will read me shidduchim that are not up to my parent`s expectations. In other words, I am looking for one type and they are looking for something else. Of course I was upset and hurt that my parents couldn`t accept the path that I want, but I had no choice. Therefore, to everyone who asked me what kind of boy I was looking for, I never had a clear answer. I would respond to what my parents were looking for and not what I was really looking for. I was never able to say the truth to anyone, not even to my closest friends. No one knew of my expectations, no one knew that I really want someone who will learn Torah all his life, someone who will become a Gadol and help klal Yisroel. Secretly, I have always dreamed of this, and therefore, when I finally started going out, I was going out with the kinds of boys that my parents were looking for and not the kind I was looking for. Whenever I came back from dates, I would say, "I don`t think he`s for me" And when they would ask me why not, and to explain what was wrong with the boy I had no explanation for them, because they don`t know what kind of boy I am really looking for. This has been going on for 3 years already, and I don`t know what to do. Now, I am 22 and still looking for the right one. All my friends are married and I am "jealous" of them because they were allowed to tell people what they were looking for, while I wasn`t. People are wondering why I`m not married yet. I am also wondering. What do you think I should do? Should I change my expectations? Should I lower my standards? I would, but I`m scared that, after 120 years, I will be asked how come I didn`t accomplish as much as I was supposed to? And What will I answer? Please help me Rebbetzin, I don`t know where to turn.

Thank you so much for taking the time to read this, I`m sorry I can`t write my name for obvious reasons. If at all possible, please try to address this issue in your weekly column.

Letter #2
Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

I almost always agree with your opinion, but on the latest response regarding the Y.U. bocher and the field of rabbonus, I beg to differ. I have been educating young ladies for the last five years, in addition to having two married daughters and a daughter-in-law, and have, Baruch HaShem, have been delving into and "reiding" many shidduchim. Therefore, there is an abundance of information that I can share with your readers. Baruch HaShem, the young ladies of today are hard working, sincere, idealistic, and dedicated to their husbands spending time after marriage learning. Usual first and second questions when "reiding" shidduchim are "Is he learning?" "Where?" If the answer is not Lakewood, Eretz Yisroel or Baltimore, the interest ebbs. If I reid a shidduch to a bocher who would like to continue his learning in Cleveland, Denver, or South Fallsburg, the young lady asks, do I have someone else in mind? In other words, the idealism extends to certain communities and areas where the chevra will be extensive and the neighborhood close to proper shopping, schools and family. The questions continue: "What is the bochur planning to do after learning? For some, the field of chinuch is preferred, some are pleased with those who will work outside of Klei Kodesh options, and then most show outright disinterest in the rabbinate. Why? Not for any of the reasons you mentioned, since the reasons of "compromise," "look away" and "accommodate" are apparent in any job option and adept public relations is a prime tool for successful mechanchim. I am the wife of a yeshiva principal who was also a rebbe, and he has had to "compromise" "look away" and "accommodate" on different occasions. Once again, why not the rabbinate? The young ladies do not want to live a public life, sharing their husband and children with a congregation and being under close scrutiny of their balabatim. The idea of pioneering and living in a small Jewish community is not encouraged or extolled by high school teachers, seminary educators, and definitely not by parents. There are, Baruch Ha Shem, a small percentage of young ladies who are individuals and thinkers with enough back-bone to make decisions that are not always share by their friends and classmates. But these young ladies are difficult to find. Therefore, finding an aizer k-negdo for the rabbinate is difficult. And challenging, but worth the tefillas and avodah.

The second problem, breaking into the frum world, is once again challenging and conquerable. As I mentioned in the beginning, I teach high school girls in the 11th and 12th grade in many schools, from Five Towns and throughout Brooklyn. There are young ladies, admirable for their intelligence, tzniut (modesty), probing minds idealism, who are not afraid to be individuals. These girls are confident in their Yiddishkeit and do not need the applause of their friends and neighbors when they accept shidduchim (and their parents are also unique).

I "reid" a shidduch for a lovely young lady to yeshiva bochur. They dated twice and were interested in continuing. The menahales of the Israeli seminary that she attended heard about the shidduch, called her talmida and said, "I think that you can do much better than that...Why take a bocher from yeshiva "c" when you can get a bochur from yeshiva "a" (both from the frum world). We are confronted by an educational dilemma. We are allowing our children, male and female, to absorb and accept inaccurate information as "hashkafa" and assume it is halachically sound.

May HaShem protect us from rechilus and loshen hara that will harm shidduchim. Always remember that HaShem sets up hardships to encourage us to react with teshuva or tefilla, or to reach a higher level, which is only made possible through experiencing difficulty.