I grew up with your column. My Bubbie, who lived with us after my Zeide, O”H, passed away, was your greatest fan. I was fortunate enough to have a very special relationship with her. She was an amazing lady - one of a kind, full of love, wisdom, and emunah, the likes of which you do not see today. I write all this so that you may understand why I am turning to you at this time. I know that if my Bubbie were alive today, she would say, “Mei kind,freig an aitze fun dee Rebbetzin...”  – “Go ask  for advice from the Rebbetzin.”

           In brief, I have been married for twenty-five years and Baruch Hashem, we have five children. Our oldest son is now in the shidduch parsha. He is a very bright and sincere young man, and my husband, Baruch Hashem, is a very successful businessman, and all this makes him a desirable shidduch candidate. Shadchanim are constantly calling. The list of girls that have been suggested to us is quite impressive. I write this, not out of arrogance or pride, but rather, from sadness and humility. I feel very badly for all these lovely girls who have such difficulty finding a shidduch, and am already nervous thinking of how it will be next year when my daughter will return from a year of study in Jerusalem and will be ready to enter the shidduch scene. But, as you may have guessed, that is not the reason for the writing of this letter. I did however, want to express my empathy with the mothers of all these girls and somehow let them know that I do feel badly to say no to the shadchanim when they make their suggestions and I do hope that the mothers and their daughters do not take this as personal rejections. So why am I writing to you now?

          Despite all the recommendations of exceptional girls, we have a shidduch dilemma. My son, who is twenty-four years old, has only recently started dating. You might wonder why the process was delayed for so long. Unfortunately, there is a problem, which, Baruch Hashem, is under control, but nevertheless, remains a dormant problem.  At the age of nineteen, my son became emotionally ill. At first, we could not recognize (or perhaps, did not want to recognize) his illness. My husband kept insisting that I was exaggerating matters, that his ups and downs were normal – that many young people go through the same process, but as the symptoms did not disappear, we had no choice but to avail ourselves of professional help. It soon emerged that my son was suffering from bi-polar disorder. He was put on medication and Baruch Hashem today he is totally well – no one would ever guess that he has this handicap. So now you will perhaps understand why the dating process has been delayed.

          Recently, a very lovely young lady from a fine family was recommended. They have already gone out three times and it seems like they’ve really connected. I have never seen my son so happy. He is like a different person. He has a constant smile on his face and has confided to me that this is the type of girl he would like to marry. The shadchan told us that the girl is equally enthusiastic. The shadchan, of course, does not know about my son’s illness. No one outside of my husband and I are aware of it. We have even managed to keep it from our other children. They saw that sometimes their brother was moody and difficult, but they never connected the dots, and Baruch Hashem are unaware that there is a problem. My husband and I feel that it could serve no purpose to burden our other children with this, or for that matter, anyone else in the family.

          Now, here is our dilemma: Are we obligated to tell the shadchan, the girl and her family?  My husband and I are conflicted. I say “yes”, but he argues “no”. According to him, the moment we say the words “Bi-Polar’ we terminate all his chances of a decent shidduch. Moreover, my husband feels that since he has been totally well since he started on medication (and that has been five years now) there is no reason to announce a problem which is no longer present.  He also argues that if the girl and her family find out about this and as a consequence she refuses to see my son, it will devastate him and he will regress. On the other hand, I am not comfortable leaving the situation as it is. To me, it borders on deception. My husband and I have been literally fighting about this. The conflict has destroyed our shalom bayis and I really don’t know what to do. I was thinking that we should consult his Rosh Yeshiva, but my husband pointed out that the Rosh Yeshiva is the first person people turn to when they seek shidduch information, and if he is made aware of this problem, he will have to reveal it – and the same holds true of the Rov of our shul, so as you can see, we are in a terrible bind.

          I can’t even discuss it with my parents because they too are unaware of the situation and I wouldn’t want to upset them. They have had a hard life. They are Holocaust survivors....their entire families were wiped out and they struggled and sacrificed to build new lives here in the U.S., so now that they have a little naches from their grandchildren, I wouldn’t want to inflict this on them.

          I really don’t know which way to go. I find myself between a rock and a hard place. Again, I must emphasize that, since my son has been on medication, there are no outward manifestations of his illness. He spent two years studying in Jerusalem and no one was aware that there was any problem. Even at the height of his illness, we were, Baruch Hashem, able to camouflage the situation. So my husband’s argument that we should leave well enough alone is not without merit. I might also add that there is absolutely no history of Bi-Polar disorder in our family, so my son’s illness is not genetic.

          I do have to concede that it would probably be very destructive to my son to have all this come to the surface and be rejected by the girl, so in short, this is our dilemma. What do we do, Rebbetzin? How do I handle this problem the Torah way? In your book, “Life Is A Test” which I just finished, you write that for every problem, there is a Torah solution.  Time and again, you quote the passage from our sages, “Hafoch boh, hafoch boh, d’kula boh.” - Turn the pages, turn the pages, everything is in it.”

          I would appreciate any guidance that you can give me. For understandable reasons, I prefer to remain anonymous, but I anxiously await your reply.

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