Perhaps never before in Jewish history have so many single people who should have been married, remaining single.

Special Note: In last week`s column I published a letter from a widow who was agonizing over her forty four year old son`s single state. She wrote that she had difficulty comprehending why it is that there are so many single people who cannot seem to find their bashertes and establish Jewish homes. Whenever she tried to discuss this subject with her son, he would brush off her questions with "Don`t worry, Mom, when the right one comes along. I`ll let you know." Specifically, she sought answers to the following questions: a) To what extent should parents pressure their children to make a shidduch, b) When and where do you draw the line -- At what point can you say, "I did whatever I could, and now he is on his own." and c) Why are young people nowadays afraid to commit to marriage? The following is my reply:
Dear Friend:
Perhaps never before in Jewish history have so many single people who should have been married, remaining single. This is probably one of most vexing problems in the American Jewish community today.To be sure, many well-meaning families, individuals, and synagogues, as well as organizations have made concerted effots to resolver this problem, but sometimes, their good intentions backfire. In metropolitan areas, where there is a large concentration of young Jewish people, being single has become a way of life. There are Shabbosim and Yom Tovim dinners to which invitations are readily available, and there is a very active system of social networking.
Now this is not to say that single people would not rather be married, that they do not find their situations depressing at times, but what I am saying is that it`s totally different ot be part of a social cadre sharing similr interests, than to live at home with one`s parents (as was the case in previous generations). Simply put, the pressure to establish one`s own home is no longer there.
Additionally, I have found that there is an emotional illness that is increasingly prevalent among single people called "commitment phobia". It is most evident among young men, aged thirty and over. Intellectually, they want to marry. Have children, and establish homes, but emotionally, they are paralyzed. There are many contributory factors to their fear...there are so many unhappy marriages, so many divorces nowadays, that the prospect of marriage becomes daunting -- so they date endlessly. But when push comes to shove, and they must make the ultimate commitment, they panic, and try to justify their inability to commit with excuses like, "I love you, but..." "We have some issues to resolve..."
You as a mother, know your son best, and your letter indicates that you are really in tune with what is wrong with him. It`s unfortunate that when you confronted your son and asked why he was afraid, he dismissed your questions with, "Don`t play psychologist, Mom."