I never thought that I would find myself in such a predicament. I don`t know where to turn - I don`t know with whom to speak, but I heard so many wonderful things about you, the miracles that you accomplished with our young people, that I thought that you might be able to offer me some good advice.

The Rebbetzin`s Viewpoint
By Esther Jungreis
"My Son Can`t Commit"
Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:
The problem is my son, who is forty five and still single.
Ten years ago, I became a widow. I do not have a husband with whom I can discuss this problem. The entire responsibility is on my shoulders. . I am, of course, referring to getting my son married. He is a wonderful young man, and when I speak to him about marriage, he tells me "Don`t worry Mom," and with that, he closes the subject. But I ask you, Rebbetzin, how can I not worry? It`s no life the way he`s living. Don`t get me wrong. He has a very important position, and a beautiful apartment in Manhattan, but still, if he`s not married, what`s the use?
I never thought that it would come to this. As a young man, there were so many shidduchim recommended to him, and I was certain that he would be married by his mid-twenties. He was an outstanding student in yeshiva, and spent a year studying in Jerusalem after high school. When he returned, he started to date, he came close to becoming engaged to this girl, and my husband and I were delighted - but then for some reason (which to this day we don`t understand) he broke off with her. We accepted his decision without argument, because we felt that if he didn`t care for her, it was better to break it off before marriage rather than risk a divorce later. I feel very guilty about not having encouraged him to marry her, because after that, nothing seemed to go. It`s not that she was exceptionally beautiful or smart, but she was very sweet, and would have been just the right wife for him. Since then, she got married, and of all things, lives in my neighborhood, a few blocks from my home. You can imagine how I feel whenever I see her.
After my son broke up with this girl, things went from bad to worse. My son informed us that he was moving out and setting up his own apartment. My husband and I tried to persuade him not to take such a drastic step, but it was no use. He had made up his mind.
I know that in many families it`s not unusual for children to move out and establish their own homes prior to marriage, but in our family, that`s not how things are done, and the whole thing came as a terrible shock to me. I was embarrassed in front of my friends and family. In our circles, children live with their parents until they go under the chuppa. In any event, my son doesn`t miss his home or his old neighborhood. He has an active social life -- is always invited for Shabbos and Yom Tov, and he dates continuously, but won`t commit to marriage.
My question to you Rebbetzin is, "What`s going on with our single people today? Why are so many of them unmarried? I have discussed this with many friends who have similar problems. Their sons date, but there is no tachlis. I cannot begin to tell you how sick I am about the whole situation. I tried to get my married children (Baruch HaShem, I have three married sons and a married daughter) to talk to him. They all tried. He visits their homes, he loves his nieces and nephews and always talks about having his own family one day, but it`s all talk! Sometimes I have the feeling that he is afraid of marriage because he sees so many of his friends divorcing. When I mentioned this to him, he told me to stop playing psychologist - that when the "right one" comes along, he`ll know. I even had him invited to some get-togethers sponsored by my local synagogue and asked the Rabbi to look out for my son, but again, no results.
I`d like to know, Rebbetzin, to what extent parents should get involved when it comes to

the shidduchim of their children. Some of my friends just wash their hands of the entire matter when it comes to these things. They go to Florida for the winter as though they haven`t a care in the world, and they tell me that I`m foolish to get all upset. There is jut so much a parent can do, they say, and then the kids are on their own...and forty-five is certainly no kid! Well, I agree, but in my heart, I cannot accept it. I can`t just detach myself. I can`t forget that he`s single and living a purposeless life. Please don`t get me wrong when I say purposeless. I don`t mean that he is not successful in his career. He`s a lawyer in a big firm, and I sometimes think that his success has caused him problems. He has been honored by many organizations, and all this makes him feel very good about himself, so he doesn`t feel the need to get married. Maybe I`m wrong, but that`s how I see it. The other problem is that I see him only on occasions, so I can`t keep the pressure on. Every day I pray that HaShem should help him and guide him to the right girl. This is on my mind day and night - I have no rest from it. I go to my husband`s grave to pray. I want to have some naches and see grandchildren from him before I die.
I hope that you will respond to this letter in your column in The Jewish Press because I would like my son to read it. He follows your articles and maybe, if he reads my letter, it might just enter his heart and he will re-think his situation. For sure, he will recognize the voice of his broken-hearted mother.