Special Note: I was planning to close the discussion in regard to young couples arranging and recommending shidduchim, but the letters kept pouring in, and the writers have made many cogent points that have not hitherto been discussed. Since the shidduch problem is one of the more troublesome ones in contemporary Jewish life, I decided to publish two of the letters written by our readers. Perhaps, as a result, singles will re-examine their responsibilities and see themselves more objectively. If even one person takes these letters to heart and makes a change in his/her life by responding to shidduchim with more responsibility, the series will have been worthwhile.

Letter #1: ``Hello — No One Out There Is Perfect``

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

As I read the letter published in your most recent column asking all young couples to dedicate themselves to making shidduchim, I had mixed feelings. My first reaction was to agree with the woman that more people do need to become involved with making shidduchim. My husband and I have tried many times to set singles up on dates. We both remember what it was like to be single and the range of emotions involved in the shidduch scene. Indeed, it can be a real roller coaster of highs and lows — excitement and depression. Therefore, we both made it our business to be active in helping those looking for their bashertes.

However, at the other end of the spectrum, I also felt that this newly married woman was a little naive and was seeing things from a one-dimensional point of view. Now that I am a mother of three young children (bli ayn hara) all under the age of four, and I have had numerous experiences with many single men and women, I can say that it is not as simple as she makes it out to be. First of all, with the unending demands of a family, it is not always easy to find time to put in the effort necessary into setting people up. And when I say ``effort,``, I do mean that it is sometimes down-right difficult to set up a date.

Yes, they decry their single state, but if that is the case, then why don`t they even bother to return phone calls when it comes to shidduchim? Am I required to chase someone down to beg them to go out with Mr./Ms so-and-so? And what is my obligation when I do get through to them, and they say they will get back to me and never do? This type of behavior doesn`t give me the impression that they are dying to get married.

Let us not forget about the singles who give me a long list of things that they would like in a spouse, and if one thing about the person I am recommending is not to their liking, they reject a reasonable shidduch without even looking further into it. And then there are those who actually go out, have a fine time, and they may even go out numerous times, but then they start finding fault after fault with the person, which, in their minds, invalidates the shidduch. In our American society, where everyone`s expectations are out of the realm of reality, someone needs to give these singles a wake-up call.

Sometimes I feel like saying, ``Hello! No one out there is going to be your perfect, ideal man or woman! There will be negatives about everyone!`` It`s a matter of figuring out what are the priorities you absolutely need in a spouse and which are the negatives you can accept and live with. At the very least, each person dating should have a Rav/Rebbetzin to whom they can turn for advice and questions about the person they are dating. (Not their best friend who is also single and doesn`t have the experience or wisdom necessary to give proper advice).

I will not even discuss the singles who, it is obvious to me, have real commitment issues and need more than just the advice of a Rav.

I am sure that you can tell that I have become somewhat frustrated with making shidduchim. However, my husband and I still try and will continue to try, because it is that important. But please realize that it is not a simple issue. The matter can be quite complicated, and the blame for the large number of singles does not always lie at the door of nascent shadchanim. Some singles must take responsibility, make a true effort, and dedicate themselves to being open to the advice and suggestions of the appropriate people.

May Hashem help all those in need of a shidduch to find their bashert b`karov.

Letter #2: Lack of Appreciation (Hakoras HaTov)

Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:

I followed with great interest your series on the shidduch scene, and while I appreciate the validity of the young woman`s suggestion that more people should become involved in making shidduchim, I for one have found this endeavor most frustrating.

I cannot begin to describe the lack of mentschlechkeit (common courtesy) that I have encountered — not only from the singles, but on occasion, from their parents as well. Just recently, I made a phone call to a father in connection with a shidduch for his son. Four weeks passed by, and he did not get back to me. During this period, I called him several times, and on each occasion, he told me that he still hadn`t had the chance to check out the girl. If this is how the father behaves, what can anyone expect from the son? Would you not expect that a father who was called several times would at least have the decency to express appreciation and say ``thank you``? I don`t understand what`s wrong with people...it`s as if everything is coming to them. And believe me, these are not isolated cases.

There have also been occasions when I set people up, and after the initial date, they, Baruch Hashem, continue to go out, but never get around to informing me.

I have had singles who sat at my Shabbos table week after week and didn`t have the decency to invite me to their weddings. I find this all very disturbing. Someone should really address these singles and their parents with no nonsense words and tell it to them like it is: ``Do something about your single state and start with Hakoras Hatov — expressing appreciation to those who have attempted to help you. And don`t reject anyone out of hand. You never know who your shidduch is.``