Dear Rebbetzin Jungreis:
I am in my second year of college and recently met a wonderful, intelligent, compassionate young man. I am very much in love with him. He is not Jewish however, and this seems to be a "tragedy" to my parents.

Rebbetzin, I just cannot understand it. My parents are not religious people. Their entire Judaism consists of buying High Holiday tickets once a year. They do not keep a kosher home, they do not observe any of the customs and traditions, and they never gave me a Jewish education. So how on earth can they censor me for wanting to marry this boy?
Believe me Rebbetzin, my parents are no more Jewish than my boyfriend. He is a good-hearted, kind individual, with all the characteristics of what my parent consider a "nice Jewish boy". The real reason why my parents are opposed to him, is because they are worried about what people will say. They don`t really care about my happiness, but what others will say, and how this will reflect upon them.

I cannot see any difference between being Jewish or gentile. We were all created by G-d, and therefore we are all brothers. My parents have never given me a Jewish upbringing, so why should I care?

Please Rebbetzin, answer this letter immediately. I have reached the point where I am ready to run away with my boyfriend. I have no respect for the hypocrisy that I see all around me.
Yours sincerely,
"A Jewish Citizen of the World"


Dear Friend:
Two wrongs don`t make a right! While it is true that your parents have committed a grievous wrong by neglecting your Jewish education, their negligence does not exonerate you from your responsibility, nor does it permit you to "cop out" on your people. There is no way in which you can justify abandoning your religion, your people, or your G-d. Understand that by opting for intermarriage, you are casting a death blow; your actions bring your family`s Jewish existence to a close after thousands of years.

Nevertheless, I can comprehend your feelings of resentment, for as you stated in your letter, you never benefited from a Jewish education. Judaism has never been made meaningful to you… You have never been challenged by its majestic call. Therefore, it is understandable that you feel apathetic if not downright hostile towards your faith. Ando so, under the circumstances, it would not be realistic to demand that you sacrifice the boy you love for a religion that is unrelated to your life.

Tragic and painful though it may be, we must confront the truth: You belong to a generation of American Jews who have been short-changed; although you have been given every educational and material advantage, you have been Jewishly deprived. You were raised in a spiritual wasteland … in a vacuum. Your contacts with organized religion have at best, turned you off, and at worst, provoked you to disdain.

Whenever I visit a high school or college campus, I am reminded of the tragic plight of our Jewish youth. Time and again, I am confronted by the pathetic sight of young Jews who are articulate in every subject but their own… Young Jews who have expertise in science and technology; who stand at the top of their class, who are sensitive to the nuances of music and are at home in the world of art and culture. Yet, if confronted with the most elementary questions of the Bible, the Mishna, the Talmud or the Prophets, they remain totally inarticulate. We have become a people that suffers from the dreadful malady of amnesia; a people without a past, without a memory.

The Jewish community is decaying from within; so much so that even as you, the average Jew does not even sense his own deprivation. In order for you to comprehend the magnitude of your loss, you must first have some awareness of that which you possessed. But unfortunately, you, even as your peers, are sadly lacking this awareness… and so, you cannot fathom the depths of your deprivation. Therefore, as I see it, the problem at hand is not so much to persuade you to renounce this boy, as to open your mind and heart to your own glorious history and prophetic destiny.

Once you comprehend this, then forgoing intermarriage will be a natural by-product of your newly gained insight, for it is impossible to be knowledgeable of G-d`s Torah, and at the same time, remain impervious to its mystical call.

And so my friend, while I can empathize with your rebellious state of mind, I cannot condone it, for you are a Jew and you have a responsibility. Before you relinquish your heritage, before you give up the faith of your fathers, you owe it to yourself to discover your roots; to probe your past so that the decision you ultimately make will be one that is based on perception and intelligence rather than on ignorance and default.
Obviously, you did not ask to be born Jewish. It was not your choice. Rather, it is G-d who chose you. Your Jewishness was preordained by Him. There is a mystical component to your Jewishness that transcends all log and laws. It is in your blood, seared into your flesh, and it will cling to you throughout your life. Your roots go far deeper than you realize, and should you attempt to sever them, it will be at the peril of your existence. There is no place to which you may escape, no island which will afford you sanctuary, because first and foremost, you are a Jew, and G-d`s call will find you everywhere.

Now then my dear friend, I beg you to try and overcome the antagonisms and prejudices of your past and accept my words with an open mind. In the course of a lifetime, many mistakes are made, but more often than not, they can be rectified. There are those mistakes however, which cut at the very core of life, bringing such havoc in their wake, that no amount of restitution can mitigate the damage caused. The scars are so deep that they are ineradicable…..I fear that the dilemma presently confronting you falls into this category. Your problem does not simply revolve around the question of marriage. Rather, it concerns itself with your very existence; with the unique destiny which G-d bestowed upon you as a Jew; with the survival of your people; and ultimately, with your ability to face G-d at the end of days. For this reason, you dare not act in haste, but you must give yourself every opportunity to discover your Jewish heritage. Take time to study G-d`s Torah and to make contact with those who have gone the same route as you and benefit from their experience.
And after all that, try if you can, to project yourself into your parents` place, to consider the matter from their point of view. Why are they "heartbroken"? Why are they so vehemently against this boy? Do you really believe that their only concern is "what the neighbors might say"?

Deep down in your heart, you are surely aware that there is more, much more at stake. To Jewish parents, the marriage of their child to a non-Jew is the greatest catastrophe that can befall them.

Unfortunately, because of their own limited Jewish background, they are usually unable to articulate the reasons why they regard such marriages as calamitous. But they instinctively know that if their children are to survive as Jews, they must marry Jews… and if necessary, they are prepared to fight to the bitter end to achieve this goal.
If you are familiar with the story "Fiddler on the Roof", you will recall that the father Tevye, happily accepted the marriages of his daughters (despite deep disappointment when one wed a poor tailor, the other a revolutionary). But when it came to the third daughter who married an "intelligent", "industrious", "handsome" young man, Tevye cried out in anguish saying "NO!". Despite this young man`s many accomplishments, Tevye could not accept him as a son-in-law for the simple reason that he was not Jewish.

It is not a matter of bigotry or prejudice. It is not a matter of personal merit; I can assure you that no one doubts the fine character of your boy friend. It is purely a question of SURVIVAL; a desire to preserve thousands of years of history and to continue our ancient heritage. Jewish parents know full well the tragic consequences of intermarriage. They understand that is spells death to their children. They want to have Jewish grandchildren. Jewish parents understand that they have a mission in life which transcends mere existence, and it is for this reason that they cry out in agony when intermarriage threatens to cut off their offspring.

Therefore, you will surely understand that it is not "fear of the neighbors" that is tormenting your parents, but rather, the terrible fear that you may be the last Jew in your family; that after 4,000 years of existence, Judaism may die with you. And if this be the case, then your parents, your ancestors, will have lived and sacrificed in vain. No, it is not by caprice that your parents remain unbending. They understand that Judaism cannot tolerate or sanction intermarriage.

From the very beginning of our history, intermarriage was clearly prohibited. Abraham, the first Jews, had his servant Eliezer sweat that he would not take a pagan girl for his son, Isaac. As it is written: "Swear by the L-rd, the G-d of heven and earth, that you will not take a wife for my son from among the Canaanites among whom I dwell". (Genesis XXIV,3)

Later, Rebecca urges her son Jacob to leave home in order to find a suitable wife: I am weary of my life is Jacob takes a wife from the daughters of the land … What good shall my life do me?" (Genesis XXVII,46)

The Bible is replete with such references, but additionally, all this is clearly stated in Deuteronomy, chapter VII: "NEITHER SHALT THOU MAKE MARRIAGES WITH THEM; THY DAUGHTER TO HIS SON, NOR HIS DAUGHTER SHALT THOU TAKE UNTO YOUR SON… FOR HE WILL TURN AWAY THY SON FROM FOLLOWING ME. THAT THEY MAY SERVE OTHER GODS, SO WILL THE ANGER OF THE L-RD BE KINDLED AGAINST YOU".

G-d`s Law should be reason enough for you to give up this boy, for if you believe in Hi, how can you possibly reconcile yourself to violating His commandments? Either G-d exists, and you are bound by His Law, or G-d is a figment of the imagination, and Jewish history is a horrendous hoax. If the latter be the case, then by all means, read no further and discard this letter.
But deep down in your soul, you are aware of the truth. You know that G-d does exist and that the Jewish people are here and alive today just as they were thousands of years ago. There is no way in which you can escape this truth. While you may succeed in moving away from your parents, you will never succeed in moving away from G-d. His presence is everywhere and to live in rebellion against Him is to consign yourself to a life of painful loneliness and curse.

I can offer you many sound arguments against intermarriage, however my own personal experience has demonstrated that in such situations, even the most cogent proofs usually fall upon deaf ears. Unfortunately, people who think they are "in love" rarely heed the voice of reason. When emotions are involved, calm and rational judgement is almost impossible. Therefore, in vain would I warn you of the statistics that have demonstrated that separation, broken homes, and divorce are three to five times higher in mixed marriages.

In vain would I warn you that the tensions provoked by mixed marriage around bound to affect the mental and emotional stability of your unborn children.

In vain would I warn you that when parents are not of one mind and one heart in respect to religion, their children suffer from neuroses and inner conflict. There is no way to avoid this, because even if you allow your children to choose their own religion (as so many intermarried couples do), the very necessity for a choice pits one parent against the other and creates an explosive situation through which the children become emotional cripples.

In vain would I warn you that the chances of your children remaining Jewish are very slim. Statistics indicate that the majority of Jewish children born of a mixed marriage abandon the Jewish faith.



Besides, look at yourself. If you have difficulty surviving with two Jewish parents, what chance will your children have with a gentile father?

In vain would I warn you that marriage is not just for today, but is expected to last for many tomorrows.

In vain would I warn you that an arrangement which is liveable at twenty can become intolerable at forty. Remember: Time creates as well as solves problems.

In vain would I warn you that more, much more than "romantic love" is needed to sustain a marriage. It is a proven fact that two people with the same background, interests, and above all, the same religious values, have a much greater chance for lasting happiness, than those who differ in these areas. But in order for you to better understand my point, I would like you to consider the following parable:
Finding the proper mate is very much like finding a well fitting pair of shoes….
Imagine that while on a shopping spree, you see a stunning pair of shoes…You fall in love with them. They are exactly the sort of shoes you always wanted!
You enter the store and ask to try them on….. They don`t quite fit; in fact, they hurt! And so, you sigh regretfully… What a pity. You simply love them … If only they fit.

Sensing your distress, the salesman offers you another pair that might prove more comfortable. They do feel good, but the first pair appeals to you more, and so you ask to try them once again. The salesman brings them back; you put them on, and though they pinch a bit, you have to admit that they are dynamite and you absolutely love them.

Hopefully, you turn to the salesman and ask "Do you think that they`ll give after a while"?
"By all means madam", he responds reassuringly. "I am sure that even now something can be done".
And he takes the shoes to the back of the store and stretches them. You try them once again, and though they are still somewhat uncomfortable, in your eagerness to possess them, you imagine that they feel better. "I am sure that in time they will give even more", you tell yourself reassuringly.

You buy the shoes and happily take them home, but then comes the let-down; they never really fit properly. And so, you are left with three options: 1) You wear them and develop calluses. 2) You allow them to sit in the closet. 3) You give them away to a rummage sale. But no matter how you slice the cake, you will never be comfortable wearing them. They were simply not made for you.

So it is with marriage. If you do not come from similar backgrounds, similar homes, and you do not share a common heritage, then no matter how hard you try, your mate will never "fit" you properly. You may love him even as you love those shoes, but they are not your size - he is not made for you. You come from different worlds, from different roots. And should you marry, three things can occur: You may develop calluses (live amidst strife), leave the shoes in the closet (settle for a marriage based on icy indifference), or you may give the shoes to rummage (terminate the marriage in divorce). In any event, none of these options is desirable.

The fact is that much more than romantic love is needed for a successful marriage. Love is not a magic potion which can dissolve knotty problems. Love can only serve to enhance a marriage in which mutual esteem and reverence already exists, a marriage which is bound by common roots and goals.

But as I stated earlier, despite the logic of my arguments, I fear that my words may fail to impress you, for it is almost impossible to reason with a person who is emotionally involved. Therefore my dear friend, instead of presenting arguments, I would prefer to relate to you a story from my own childhood. I believe that more than my arguments, this story will pierce the inner recesses of your soul and fortify you with the necessary strength to weather this critical period in your life.

I was born in Hungary. I am a survivor of the holocaust, and the following story occurred during that time when the world was enveloped in darkness and man lost his sanity…
When the Germans occupied our city, one of the first things that they did was to seize prominent community leaders for interrogation at Gestapo headquarters. My own dear father, who was the Rabbi of the community, was among those arrested. The Nazi`s tortured him, and ripped his beautiful long beard from his cheeks ….. Broken and mutilated, he was returned to us, his family, and congregation. Shortly afterward, we were all herded into ghettos and readied for transport to the concentration camps.

One night, a member of our congregation knocked at our door. He had come at the risk of his life. In those days, for a Jews to be caught on the street after curfew, meant certain death. The man was obviously overwrought. There was an almost demented look in his eyes. "Please Rabbi", he cried out in a trembling voice. "You must help me …. My son, my little boy… I want him to live"!

My father looked at the man, and I detected a terrible sadness in his eyes. "Where it up to me my friend", he sighed, his voice barely audible… "Were it only up to me, then every man, every woman and every child would live. Hashem yeracheim - May the Almighty have mercy on all of us". He concluded in a whisper.
"No, no, it is not just wistful thinking", the man protested with urgency. "I have a definite plan … I made contact with the local Priest… He promised to take in my child… that is, if I allow him to be baptized… to be raised as a Christian".

As the man blurted out these words, he lost control completely and started to shake, his whole body racked by sobs. "I cannot make this decision", he cried…"I look at my boy and I cannot bear the thought of handing him over to the Priest… and yet, what other alternative is there? Rabbi, Rabbi". He sobbed. "What do I do? What do I do"?

I was a little girl at that time, but this scene has remained etched in my memory. I shall never forget it. It haunts me… It follows me everywhere and leaves me no peace. I remember how my father rose from his chair, how he slowly and painfully made his way to the man, and how he embraced him. I remember the tears rolling down my father`s cheeks, and I remember that as he wept the still-fresh wounds re-opened, and for a terrible moment it seemed to me as if my father was shedding tears of blood. My father put his arms around this tormented Jew and for a time, they just stood there, the two of them sobbing in a torturous embrace.

And then my father began to speak, his voice laden with the millennia of suffering of G-d`s people. Each word spoke volumes, each word was an echo of holy martyrdom…."You want your son to live" my father now said softly. "Believe me, I too want him to live. But tell me, my precious Jewish brother… tell me WHAT IS LIFE? How do you measure life?"
The man stood there, non-plussed, staring uncomprehendingly into space.
"Think for a moment" my father continued gently. "Before you answer, think for a moment…. If your son survives and he is not a Jew, will he live? Is that the life you want for him"?

An awesome silence hung in the air, a silence which lasted only a few moments, but which to me seemed an eternity. And then my father raised his arms toward heaven and softly repeated the question. His words were barely audible, but they seemed to pierce the walls: "IF YOUR SON IS NOT A JEW, WILL HE LIVE? WILL YOU BE SATISFIED"?

The man turned ashen. His eyes conveyed the painful suffering of G-d`s holy flock. "Yes, yes" he gasped…"I know, I knew all the time. We are a people who must be ready to die, yes, even to die, so that we may live. Yes, he continued. You need not say any more Rabbi. Forgive me for having troubled you".

My father walked him to the door, and in a few seconds he was swallowed up by the darkness of the night.

A few days later we met again. We were all standing at the railroad station, waiting to be herded into cattle cars for deportation to the concentration camps. The man stood there with his son. When he saw us, he and his son waved, and my father waved back and whispered G-d`s blessing - the blessing which has accompanied our people from time immemorial.

Now I do not know whether he or his son survived, or whether they disappeared in the flames of the crematoria. But there is one thing I do know … and that is that we, the Jewish people, have survived throughout the millennia because of men like him, simple souls who were capable of rising to the heights of grandeur… Simple souls who were imbued with their majestic heritage and who rose to the ultimate sacrifice - martyrdom. It is because of them that the Jewish people exist today.

Yes, it was these simple souls, the descendants of Abraham, who in every generation willingly passed the test of the Akedah and stood ready to sanctify G-d`s holy Name with their very lives. They were "swifter than eagles, stronger than lions". Their courage knew no bounds. Undaunted, unafraid, they walked into fire so that their people might live. It is only because of them that we as a nation, were not submerged in the morass of assimilation, swallowed up by the nations among whom we lived. It is only because they were prepared to walk into fire with "Shema Yisrael" on their lips that that in every generation there were those who were able to gather the sparks from the ashes and kindle G-d`s sacred light, and bring His Word to all mankind.

Yes, I live with this story. It haunts me… the man and his son are forever before me. And when I meet a young man or woman like yourself who nonchalantly declares "Judaism doesn`t mean a thing to me…. I`m in love and that`s all that matters", then I want to yell… I want to scream "Who do you think you are? By what right do you betray your people? By what right do you abandon your G-d? By what right do you trample on the graves of that man and his son? Don`t you understand that you are a link with a glorious past, that you are part of a prophetic history? Did you survive 4,000 years of torture and oppression only to disappear in the midst of freedom? ARE YOU TO BE THE LAST JEW IN YOUR FAMILY AFTER 4,000 YEARS"?

Yes, I want to scream all this and much more! I am aware that you may try to rationalize and write off my story as "just so much emotion". But even as you nonchalantly shrug your shoulders, deep down you are aware that it is not quite so simple. Man is not a robot or a machine, to be scrutinized by scientists as a form of matter. Man has a heart and a soul that transcends his physical being. And so, if you claim that I am emotional, I will agree. We are a people with deep-rooted emotions, a people whose heart throbs with love of Israel, with love of Torah ... A people whose soul is consumed with the eternal fire of G-d.

I know that what I am asking is no simple matter. It has never been a simple matter to be a Jew. I know that it demands sacrifice. But if we are to survive, then indeed, we must be prepared to sacrifice. In every generation this sacrifice takes on a different form. There are times when we are called upon to give our lives for our land and for our people. And there are times when it is not our physical existence that is in jeopardy, but our spiritual survival - our Jewish soul. At such times we must rise to the challenge and be willing to offer our hears and our minds, even if it means giving up the one we love so that our people may survive; so that we may forge yet another link in the continuity of our nation.

And if this be painful, I agree, and yet I demand that you rise to the occasion, for you are a Jews, the daughter of the King - the Almighty G-d. I demand this because you are a descendant of Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel and Leah; because you come from a "Kingdom of Priests", a holy nation dedicated to the worship of G-d. I demand that you do not turn your back on 4,000 years of history, 4,000 years of martyrdom, and 4,000 years of glory.

Perhaps you resent my strong terminology. Perhaps you are thinking to yourself "By what right does she make demands of me? She cannot dictate my lifestyle"!

While it may be true that I cannot dictate your actions, I do have a right to make demands if for no other reason than that we are both Jews. I am a survivor of Bergen Belsen. I saw six million of my brethren perish, disappear in smoke. Frankly, I can no longer bear to see death … it was enough.

Perhaps you recoil at my fanaticism. You feel that I am carrying things a bit too far … that there is no basis for comparison between gas chambers and the intermarriage that you are contemplating. But think for a moment… isn`t there?

Those who died in the gas chambers disappeared in smoke. But at least they left behind a legacy, a kaddish. And those who go the route of intermarriage also die - but with one difference. They leave no trace. Their souls are forever extinguished in this world, as well as in the world to come. They leave no memory, not even a kaddish. They simply disappear…

When G-d called upon your father Abraham to sacrifice for His sake, he answered "HINENI - I AM HERE, I AM READY".

Today the call has come to you. Today it is your turn to say "HINENI". And you can do no less. G-d is calling you to fulfill your mission. What a glorious destiny, but what a catastrophe to be unaware of it.

May you find the necessary strength to withstand this great hour of trial so that you may take your rightful place among your people for all eternity.

With love of Israel, love of Torah, and the blessing of the G-d of our fathers, I remain

Your sister,
Rebbetzin Esther Jungreis