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Do you have a parenting problem. Questions about raising your children? Is something bothering you and you don't know who to speak to?
Query: What are some of the most important tips you have for raising a children who is only 1 year old now?

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Query:
What are some of the most important tips you have for raising a children who is only 1 year old now?
Reply:
I would tell you not to minimize the power of a parent's love-too often we outsource our parenting to others and think that the child does not know the difference. Every smile, every song, every word you share with even a 1 year old makes an impact. I would also tell you to remove anything around that you do not want your child getting into (if possible) so that you do not have to spend your days saying "no!' and getting upset when things are broken or ruined. This way your 'no's' are taken more seriously and saved for important times. Allow your child the freedom to explore and be independent, try not to hover too close so that he never experiences the joy of self discovery or the feeling of falling and then getting up on his own. This is a beautiful time as you watch your child develop and see his personality grow-I wish you much joy and blessing.
Query: I have two toddlers K'AH. Almost 4 yr old and 2 and half yr old. 4 yr old is a lot more demanding than 2 yr old. Often at home he needs constant supervision and constant interaction or he begins to act up. i find it very difficult to give much attention to the 2 n half yr old who is happy to get on with it and play alone. My husband comes home towards the end of the day. He too has a difficult time spending any alone time with the younger one as the older one always wants to be around him as he has not seen his father all day. How can I give both children attentino without making my older toddler feel left out, alone etc becase he is...

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Query:
I have two toddlers K'AH. Almost 4 yr old and 2 and half yr old. 4 yr old is a lot more demanding than 2 yr old. Often at home he needs constant supervision and constant interaction or he begins to act up. i find it very difficult to give much attention to the 2 n half yr old who is happy to get on with it and play alone. My husband comes home towards the end of the day. He too has a difficult time spending any alone time with the younger one as the older one always wants to be around him as he has not seen his father all day. How can I give both children attentino without making my older toddler feel left out, alone etc becase he is...
Reply:
Often, we, parents find that it is easier to give in to the more demanding child, and allow the 'easier' child to just manage. We get less stressed because we do not have to deal with whining and tantrums; and the less difficult child somehow just finds his way with an understanding smile. The problem is that the demanding child will not grow any less demanding because we are always giving in to his tantrums and desires. He is not growing kinder, more tolerant, or learning to share time/people/things in his life. And so we create a pattern that often remains till adulthood of giving in and feeling resentful or tense around one child while knowing that the easy going child is more pleasant to be around. We even tend to build a better relationship with the easier child, communicate more freely, and enjoy his presence while the other child cannot understand why we do not spend more time with him. You must break the pattern sooner rather then later. The reason he is acting out is he would rather get negative attention than no attention at all. You must ease him into understanding that you are family and part of being a family is spending time together. Find some enjoyable outings or projects that both children can do together. Even baking a mix together can be a good activity with each adding an ingredient . The main thing is that they learn how to live together instead of trying to work against each other throughout life. You can take your older child with you on some solo outings, or give him some special time before he goes to sleep at night-but only if he behaves and acts respectfully and kindly with his sibling. Explain to him that you will give him this special time if he can be a 'mizvah boy'-and be specific as to what you expect . best wishes for continued nachas, slovie
Query: I was referred to your site by a friend after I called her with a difficult question.Here goes: I am married w 5 children BH and consider myself pretty observant along w my husband,although we do not share similar hashkafot.He is more liberal where I am definitely more right wing.Parenting children with our differences is not easy but lately one issue has been taking a toll in particular.Our television does not work and out of respect for me,my husband never fixed it nor renewed our cable.However,we have a family relative who provided us w about 5000 movies on a hard drive. When my children want to watch tv,it is either looney tunes via...

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Query:
I was referred to your site by a friend after I called her with a difficult question.Here goes: I am married w 5 children BH and consider myself pretty observant along w my husband,although we do not share similar hashkafot.He is more liberal where I am definitely more right wing.Parenting children with our differences is not easy but lately one issue has been taking a toll in particular.Our television does not work and out of respect for me,my husband never fixed it nor renewed our cable.However,we have a family relative who provided us w about 5000 movies on a hard drive. When my children want to watch tv,it is either looney tunes via...
Reply:
You and your husband must get on the same page here. It is not only movies-we are talking about a value system. And as the children get older, there will be new issues that will arise. Your children will know that you are divided, and in this division they percieve weakness. For some parents, the conflict of values comes out with drinking-some parents think it's a big deal, others say 'we did it too'. For others, it is concepts in modesty and acceptable clothing -for both girls and boys , then there are peer issues,acceptable music, curfew,internet access, cellphones etc. Now is the time to have a real discussion with your spouse.Bottom line is, values must never be negotiated. And if we cannot agree, then our children grow confused and don't know the difference between right and wrong behavior-because either do we! As far as the movies, know that the rating system sounds good at first but you are not the one doing the rating. So how do you know that what the rater thinks is benign and typical for a teen or preteen to see/hear is the same that you want/accept for your children? A rated R movie is filled with either terrible violence that impacts a child's psyche and remains in his mind, or low and vulgar street language that heard even once, dulls a child's sense of how awful it is , and then the sex/nudity is self explanitory as being unacceptable for your children to be viewing. So where are you going with this? What are your children gaining? if anything, it will cause you more grief as you try to fight off the images and words that they have just had enter thier minds. Hearing and seeing that which is unacceptable can only have kids grow confused as they think: this is really not so bad.There is a reason that it is rated R-and under a certain age not allowed w/out an adult. Now you want to feed this to your children? So i would tell you that instead of going movie by movie and you becoming the 'bad guy' as you negotiate with your children and husband , speak to your husband now and decide absolutely which ratings are ok for your kids. And sfter that, there will never be a discussion or question, not a debate about whether it is ok or not. Non negotiable on values is the way to go. As far as hours, be very careful not to allow the movies to take over your weekends or be a babysitter. Decide now , with your husband, as to what is reasonable for you in your home. Understand that we are raising a generation of couch potatoes who have forgotten how to play or be active. Not only unhealthy, their minds do not grow and develop. Family time is scarce and we do not grow bonded as a family-as opposed to joing together for a family activity on a Sunday. Once you agree on what is acceptable, again, this is not up for discussion each week. Inform the children of these rules with a united front. Hatzlacha rabbah ! slovie
Query: Dear Slovie, A Mom of a 3 year old thatI know was apalled that her child had a tantrum in the mall wearing a yalmake. She felt the incident was such a "chillel Hashem." I know its normal for 3 year olds to have tantrums in the mall but in what way would I ask her to respond to the "chillel Hashem part."

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Query:
Dear Slovie, A Mom of a 3 year old thatI know was apalled that her child had a tantrum in the mall wearing a yalmake. She felt the incident was such a "chillel Hashem." I know its normal for 3 year olds to have tantrums in the mall but in what way would I ask her to respond to the "chillel Hashem part."
Reply:
The problem is not the child having a tantrum as much as the response of the mother who is clearly identified through her son's yarmulka. All kids have tantrums and erupt. If the mother handled the situation calmly without losing it, or if she took the child out of the area where he would be screeching at people instead of allowing him to act out, kicking and screaming, then there is no issue. We have all been in the 'tantrum in public' scenario-no matter who we are. It is when a parent is conceived of as too harsh, out of control screaming or even hitting or completely out of tune and not trying to handle the situation that a possible 'chilul Hashem' arises.
Query: I have been having issues with chutzpa with my 8 yr old daughter lately. I tried to tell her to rephrase her words but it's not working and it's only getting worse. She is becoming more and more defiant and disrespectful.

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Query:
I have been having issues with chutzpa with my 8 yr old daughter lately. I tried to tell her to rephrase her words but it's not working and it's only getting worse. She is becoming more and more defiant and disrespectful.
Reply:
You do not write if there has been any change in circumstances such as family life, with siblings and parents/grandparents, peers,(being left out) financial, or a hard time in school. Not to excuse your 8 year old but sometimes the anger that a child expresses is really pain. And some chutzpah comes from feeling angry because something else is going on. So before we get to what you should do, I would ask that you give some thought as to why your daughter is struggling with this if she really never did before. What I would like you to do is to take your daughter out, just the 2 of you. Do not lecture her or give her speeches. Try to have a nice time. Then lets try to build on that. Find a quiet moment without other siblings around. Try to have both you and your spouse speak to her together so that she sees that you are on the same page and both serious and involved. Tell her calmly but firmly that you love her very much and that you have been sad by her chutzpah lately. That this is not behavior for her. Give her 1 or 2 examples of what you feel has been disrespectful so that she knows what you are talking about. Tell her that this will not be acceptable anymore. Do not debate her.And be careful not to give her a long lecture-2 or 3 sentances describing the chutzpah suffice. Then tell her that you have spoken to her but she is still continuing so there will have to be some consequences in the future. You do not have to tell her what they will be or get into that. instead tell her that there is a way to be heard without being chutzpahdik, and ask her the alternatives, how she may have handled the situation better. If she cannot think of an alternative than you can give it to her...and explain that in the future this is how you would like her to handle the situation. Tell her that the choice is hers: either she speaks and acts with respect, as you have just spoken about together or, sadly, there will be consequences that she will be unhappy with. Finish the conversation with hope for the future, saying something like, i know it may not always be easy, but i also know that you are a wonderful daughter who can speak with real respect and act with great respect. If you would like to know about which consequences would work, i would ask you to look in my back by the chapter on disrespect and discipline.Be sure that you also work on your bond with her and not grow angry and disattatched . If you build on the positive your discipline will stand. When she is chutzpahdik, it is ok to give her a warning and not just an immediate consequence. It is also ok to have her apologize through an aplogy note if she is extremely disrespectful. Also, be sure to be consistant and when you say that you will give a consequence be sure to stick to your word. Best, Slovie
Query: Dear Slovie, I have a religious friend who is 30 yrs old and she is the greatest person. She would love to meet a religious young man who is a talmud chochom - a Rabbi and a serious learner, someone Yeshivish. Can you help her meet someone like this to marry?

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Query:
Dear Slovie, I have a religious friend who is 30 yrs old and she is the greatest person. She would love to meet a religious young man who is a talmud chochom - a Rabbi and a serious learner, someone Yeshivish. Can you help her meet someone like this to marry?
Reply:
please call our hineni office at 212 496 1660 and ask for phyliss. she is our matchmaker and will be happy to help.
Query: I know a mother who's son is violent to her and she is in turmoil. Do you have any classes I could recommend for her that she would have a peer group and your workshop or parenting tools class to help her bring back shalom and sanity into her household in crisis? PLEASE ADVISE ASAP. After reading your book for the first time, I am certain you could help direct her according to the Torah. Psychololgists have tried and failed. She needs Hashem's presence in her family's life.

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Query:
I know a mother who's son is violent to her and she is in turmoil. Do you have any classes I could recommend for her that she would have a peer group and your workshop or parenting tools class to help her bring back shalom and sanity into her household in crisis? PLEASE ADVISE ASAP. After reading your book for the first time, I am certain you could help direct her according to the Torah. Psychololgists have tried and failed. She needs Hashem's presence in her family's life.
Reply:
You are a wonderful friend to reach out for your friend. in Hineni, we offer many classes. Please call our building and ask especially about our Thursday evening Torah classes with the Rebbetzen. Your friend will gain much needed wisdom and strength. Best, Slovie